How to: turn your best friend into your worst enemy

The quickest and easiest way to turn a friend into someone you can’t stand being around is to go on holiday with him or her. It’s especially effective if you go out of the country.

I’ve had many successful trips to places in the UK, which haven’t resulted in me wanting to punch anyone in the head. Adding the simple factor of having to flash your passport at some men in uniform piles on the pressure and suddenly everyday things become a massive drama.

It tends to cost more which also means you need to have a better time, you get lost, you can’t ask for directions, you can’t stomp off home in a mood. You have to stick with them and try be on your best behaviour.

My most recent holiday bust up was over my refusal to eat like a normal person. I never have done! I only really like to eat things that I make for myself, and the only things I ever make are cheese sandwiches. I’ve tried going into restaurants and asking for a cheese and crisp sandwich and they don’t take it that well. What I tend to do is order the least offensive thing on the menu and then pray that someone else will eat it. Failing that I like to leave the table before the meal ends so that they waiters don’t see how ungrateful I am.

I’ve been doing this for the last ten years, with very little attention being paid, but when you’re on holiday, especially with just one person, it’s really hard for them not to notice. And so begin blazing rows about me being a child, ‘you usually eat this’ ‘I never knew you were this awkward’ etc. It’s because there are no distractions. You can’t even listen to other people’s conversations to drown out the sound of their moaning because you can’t understand a word anyone is saying.

TIPS

If you’re going to be eating on holiday, make sure you choose where to go, and have a good look at the menu first.

If you’ve known someone for a reallllllllly long time don’t pretend you’ve not noticed they have the dietary requirements of a toddler.

Oh, also, if you’re on holiday here’s an example of a converstation that will make someone want to throw you under a bus:

“babe, have you got the print out for the hotel?”
“No”
“Oh, well do you know where it is?”
“No”
“Do you have the address?”
“No”
“Oh, well I guess we can ask someone, do you know what it’s called?”
“No, for gods sake, what do you think I am!?”

If you’re going to go away at least write down the name of the place that you’re planning on staying.

How to: make boys like you

In my 21 years I’ve met quite a lot of boys. They, unlike girls are extremely simple creatures, and they’re all pretty much the same.

The first step to take in tricking one of them into liking you is to watch the video ‘How to fool people into thinking you’re really good looking’. Bleaching the shit out of my hair and wearing street walker make up really was the best piece of advice I’ve ever received but in order to really trap someone there are a few more things you must do.

Take make up tips from this pretty lady

DO edit your music collection:
You don’t have to like all of the same stuff but there are some things that are unacceptable. Anything by U2, Girls Aloud or Madonna should be kept for private time. The same goes for any soppy love songs and the Moulin Rouge CD soundtrack. No one will respect you if any of these come on on shuffle, replace them with: The first three Kings Of Leon albums, Up The Bracket by the Libertines and possibly something by Jay-Z. This will make you look a bit edgy but not too intimidating. Most boys like thick girls who will not challenge them. Don’t tell them you think their taste in music is shit; this will make them want to educate you. Which will be really boring.

DO NOT show any emotion. Ever:
Girls should not cry, this is seen as emotional blackmail, which will make boys feel uncomfortable. If you’re sad turn it inwards, and then buy a new lipstick. It will make you feel better.

DO NOT spend more than 15 minutes getting ready:
If you’re alone you can spend three days preparing to see your boy of choice but if it’s first thing in the morning, or if he is waiting for you any longer than 15 minutes is too long. Practice this at home. If you cannot manage this get up early before he is awake and do your face. Orange foundation hands are not sexy and will destroy the illusion of perfect skin. You could also save time by getting your eyeliner tattooed on.

DO drop the names of other boys into conversation:
Not too often of course but you need to remind him that you are a hot piece of ass, that you have male friends and that you could run off with them at any second. It’s also good to mention your ex a few times, just to keep new boy on his toes.

DO take a lot of pictures every time you go out:
This is really good if you tend to dress like a slut. Make sure to upload them on Facebook. This will make New Boy want to spend more time with you. He may also buy you new clothes (YAY!)

The less clothes you wear the more he will care.

DO NOT eat anything:
Obviously you can stuff your face when you’re alone but eating can lead to food on the face, which is really embarrassing. If you never eat anything it also creates the illusion that you’re a lot thinner than you really are. COOL.

DO NOT open a WKD with your teeth and down it in 3 seconds:
Whilst this is an impressive skill that your friends will really appreciate, boys do not enjoy it as much as you may think. After proudly displaying my skills two weeks ago I was disappointed to be told ‘I have never been less attracted to you as I am right now’. Save it for the girls.

DO bring him cake:
If you can bake, do that. I prefer to buy banana loaf and take it over as an offering of my love and devotion. There are very few boys who do not like cake, if you find one that doesn’t he’s probably not worth it anyway.

Good luck!

How to: Avoid space invaders on trains

I have spent around 3 years trying to figure out the best method to deter people from sitting next to me on a train. I don’t like the bag on seat; it’s just too obvious. Sitting on the outside aisle seat is just as bad. You have to look like the kind of person people just wouldn’t want to sit next to.

I think the best way is to be really smelly. Those are the people who upset me most. I spent Thursday sitting next to something I assume was a dog disguised as a man. I don’t think I could adopt this method as well, that’d just be gross.

The thing is that when I’m on a train I like to have two mars bars, a packet of dry roasted peanuts, some Haribo and some crisps for my dinner. I can’t eat all of that when there’s someone next to me.

I thought I’d share some of my tips on what to do if someone accidentally sits next to you. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but there are ways to make it so unpleasant that hopefully they get off at the next station.

1. Listen to really really loud music. Preferably something really offensive. Have a look at them. Old lady? Go for something with a load of swearing. Chavy kid? Death metal. Everyone has a weakness; you just have to figure out what it is.
2. Get up a lot. Go to the shop, or go for about 10 wees. Just make them get up and down, and if they offer to sit by the window say NO because sitting on the inside will make you travel sick.
3. Actually be travelsick. Maybe on their bag for extra effect.
4. Sit too close to them. This is something I just learned on my way home this evening. This guy was sitting so close I thought he was going to climb on my lap. His knee brushed mine on several occasions. It was really quite traumatic. I’m ashamed to admit that he defeated me, and I pretended to get off at Coventry.
5. Call people. Loads of people. Call your nan for a chat, call your ex boyfriend and cry. Just be annoying. A good tip for this one is to use a really annoying voice, elongate your vowels, swear a lot. Just be a bit of a twat.I think these are the best ones but in severe cases there are two other ways to avoid unwanted train company. I don’t recommend either of them:
6. Sit by the doors. This isn’t so bad if you have a case or something to sit on. You look a bit sad and lonely but no one wants to sit there. This works best if you sit by the toilets. You also have the added entertainment of staring at people who spend too long in there. It makes them really uncomfortable.
7. Pay for an upgrade.

GOOD LUCK!!!