How to: Avoid space invaders on trains

I have spent around 3 years trying to figure out the best method to deter people from sitting next to me on a train. I don’t like the bag on seat; it’s just too obvious. Sitting on the outside aisle seat is just as bad. You have to look like the kind of person people just wouldn’t want to sit next to.

I think the best way is to be really smelly. Those are the people who upset me most. I spent Thursday sitting next to something I assume was a dog disguised as a man. I don’t think I could adopt this method as well, that’d just be gross.

The thing is that when I’m on a train I like to have two mars bars, a packet of dry roasted peanuts, some Haribo and some crisps for my dinner. I can’t eat all of that when there’s someone next to me.

I thought I’d share some of my tips on what to do if someone accidentally sits next to you. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but there are ways to make it so unpleasant that hopefully they get off at the next station.

  1. Listen to really really loud music. Preferably something really offensive. Have a look at them. Old lady? Go for something with a load of swearing. Chavy kid? Death metal. Everyone has a weakness; you just have to figure out what it is.
  2. Get up a lot. Go to the shop, or go for about 10 wees. Just make them get up and down, and if they offer to sit by the window say NO because sitting on the inside will make you travel sick.
  3. Actually be travelsick. Maybe on their bag for extra effect.
  4. Sit too close to them. This is something I just learned on my way home this evening. This guy was sitting so close I thought he was going to climb on my lap. His knee brushed mine on several occasions. It was really quite traumatic. I’m ashamed to admit that he defeated me, and I pretended to get off at Coventry.
  5. Call people. Loads of people. Call your nan for a chat, call your ex boyfriend and cry. Just be annoying. A good tip for this one is to use a really annoying voice, elongate your vowels, swear a lot. Just be a bit of a twat.I think these are the best ones but in severe cases there are two other ways to avoid unwanted train company. I don’t recommend either of them:
  6. Sit by the doors. This isn’t so bad if you have a case or something to sit on. You look a bit sad and lonely but no one wants to sit there. This works best if you sit by the toilets. You also have the added entertainment of staring at people who spend too long in there. It makes them really uncomfortable.
  7. Pay for an upgrade.



1 Comment

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One response to “How to: Avoid space invaders on trains

  1. welk

    Hahaha, incredibly funny. Reading this on the train right now on my way to amsterdam. Whahaha. What gets me is the ones that sit next to you and other seats are empty. I make it very clear that I am not amused, gave a loud humphhh sound and get up.

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