Monthly Archives: April 2011

RMA V BAR

I don’t know who these guys are. I’m calling them stripes and plain ones. I think they’re from Spain or somewhere. It’s all kicking off because the stripes and the plain ones ARE NOT friends with each other. There’s been a bit of bad kicking and one of them has been sent off. DRAMA.

One of the stripes. He seems to be quite popular.

That’s what boys like from football. Bad kicking and drama. Some more things I’ve learned about boys and football are as follows:

  • It does not matter if they’re not the team from by where you live, you’re still allowed to love them best of all. I’ve asked an actual boy and he said it might be because the ones from home might have bad players that annoy you, or you might not like their PE Kit.
  • Even if you already have a number one favorite team you can still support different ones if your team of choice are having a week off.
  • Boys can spend the day watching football, they can even go to the places where it’s taking place (not little games in the park, I’m talking about big ones like at erm, Old Trafford) and then they can watch it all over again on shows like Match Of The Day and still be surprised and excited by the result. Even if they know they’re just going to see their team lose!
  • If there’s an exciting bit of football on, like I assume is happening between RMA and BAR, you don’t even have to choose which one you want to win, you can just watch it and enjoy it no matter what the result. I’ve heard boys like to watch this for a number of reasons. Not only because it’s annoying to girls but also because (in the case of BAR and RMA) they’re some of the best in the world. Since I know the boy who shared this opinion actually has a thing for the same shit team as me I don’t understand how he can bare to watch it without feeling depressed.

I’m going to spend a bit more time investigating all of the weird stuff about football that I never knew about and I promise to write about anything really good that I find out. I think the boys are making most of it up.

I like Wolves, they’re from the same place as me. They’re no good though. If they don’t pick their ideas up they’re going to lose me as a friend/follower on twitter. Then I can be a full time supporter of Stripes.

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Reason 59 why I love Mac

My roots are an inch long, I’ve run out of foundation and my t-shirt does not match my jeans (the polka dots are too dark for the too blue blue jeans).

But it doesn’t matter because I have my trusty Vegas Volt, which looks lovely and orangey and makes me look like I’ve actually made effort, even though I’ve done nothing.

How to make me happy

I LOVE YOU MAC.

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Don’t blame Simon Cowell

Hey Sexy

Simon Cowell did not raise tuition fees. I’ve never seen him kick a puppy or commit a war crime, but that doesn’t stop him from being one of the most hated men in the country.

I can see no reason for anyone to feel so such animosity for someone who has never actually done anything wrong. Yes. He has blinding teeth, too much money and moobs, but there’s still no reason for the people at NME with the very important looking hair to write blogs calling him ‘The worst thing to ever happen to music’. You’d think working for the NME would mean they’d heard of Phil Collins but I guess all those cool kids care about is new music…

Anyway, back to Cowell.  I’m going to dedicate this blog to educating the haters as to why he is not the worst thing to happen to music, just a man who does a job and makes a lot of money from it. I would also like to point out that I find him very attractive, admire his charity work and think Britain’s Got Talent has gone well rubbish since he left.

Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor were not the first shows make people who should probably be institutionalized sing for our amusement. Before Simon Cowell it was Nigel Lythoe who was the most feared TV judge in the land. (He’s the one who said Kim Marsh was fat- Simon would NEVER do that). He may be the best at it but he didn’t invent the formula.

I know there’s always a lot of fuss about the winners being dropped after a year, but the winner is voted for by us, and not chosen by the judges. People who are stupid enough to pay for a vote are not the kind of people who should be choosing who gets to be number one.  And anyway, if you really loved Joe McElderry you should have brought his album (only about 60,000 of you did- for shame!) I personally think a year was more than enough of Steve Brookstine and that it wouldn’t have hurt to drop Alexandra ‘nice body, shame about the face’ Burke.

We must also give special thanks to Simon Cowell for the greatest pop band in history, JLS, who without X Factor would have probably just been three attractive men and a strange little boy wondering around London in stupid t-shirts.

Whilst a lot of people will be less than impressed with the teletubbies number one single Eh-Oh it sold over a million copies. Simon launched a million novelty records that make for great pissed up sing alongs, make children happy and are just a bit of a laugh. (Look up 1997 number one singles, it was a great year for music- Barbie Girl, Mmm Bop and three entries from the Spice Girls!)

Simon Cowell did nothing to ruin music.  People get all over the top and act like there’s nothing else to listen to but it’s all still out there. There’s all different stuff to listen to, from my mate Durms weird game boy stuff to all the guitary stuff they play at cool clubs every night. What Simon Cowell does is make number ones, and then make a load of money.

What really happens is that we hate him for being so good at it.  What’s also really sad is that we mean spirited British folk have a habit of turning on bands when they get too popular (Kings Of Leon anyone?) We accuse them of being sellouts, forgetting where they came from and not caring about the fans anymore.

The people on the X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent are just trying to make their little lives a bit happier. I’m sure they dreamed of being a singer or a dancer or setting themselves on fire in front of her maj, and so why shouldn’t Simon Cowell be the little tooth fairy to make them happy. Even if it is only for 18 months. There are millions of people who never get a single or an album or to be on TV every night for three months. He exists because we need him to, and because there will always be crazy people who think they’re the reincarnation of Elvis and that’s always great TV.

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Heard you wanna beat me up

I’m going to do a really brill in depth blog soon. I’m researching Simon Cowell for what I’m going to call ‘Why Simon Cowell isn’t half as bad as people make out (or possibly a better title) but for now look at this. It’s my song of the day.
I don’t know anything about this band, or any of their other songs. I don’t even know how this one got into my ears but I like it loads.
HIGH FIVE.

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Review: My Sister

After 15 long years I can reveal that my sister will soon be turning 16. This means that she’s now ready to face the harsh facts and read an honest review of her performance.

She looks just like this.

In the early years my sister, AKA Baby J was resented by many (me) for destroying my only child status. After 5 years as number one I was knocked off the top spot and replaced by a much smaller, cuter version of myself.
Baby J spent around 5 years on the underground scene, doing nothing much at all, waddling around and eating soap powder. It was at 6 she really started to have an impact with classic lines like ‘This doesn’t work’ and ‘Where’s my jeans?’

For the next few years baby J grew into a gobby little lady with a fondness for glittery dresses, horses and being a vet. There were a quiet few years but around the age of 13 she stormed the scene, turning from an awkward little thing into quite a pretty girl with lovely long hair. It was this that really changed my opinion of her.
Whilst I admire her lovely hair she does take an awfully long time to dry it, and needs 3 hours advance warning before being ready to leave the house. I also have to knock points off for being a lot taller than I am. It’s not that it’s a bad thing it’s just that this is my review and I feel jealous.

It must also be noted that her commitment to her studies is somewhat lacking and she seems much happier eating McDonalds and wearing lipstick than doing her very important schoolwork.

Also she pierced her own lip, which totally freaks me out.

Taking all of this into consideration I would like to give my sister a rating of 4.5/5. Hopefully by the time she hits 16 she will have made changes to make me like her more.

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How to: Save the pandas

Fat panda stuffing its face

Pandas are nature’s version of little fat Goths. They are short, round and wear too much make up. They’re sort of cute but no one really wants to make babies with someone who is just cute.

I’ve looked at the ways they’ve been trying to trick pandas into getting it on (panda porn, Viagra, crotchless pants) and I think I can see where they’re going wrong.

It might be a good idea to start keeping pandas in dark rooms, or at least dim the lights. It creates a better mood, plus there’s the added bonus of making it harder for them to see each other.

The question has always been are they fat because they’re depressed or depressed because they are fat? I’ve seen some massive ladies on Jeremy Kyle who go up there ‘I’m so fat it’s so sexy I’m going to take my pants off’ and there are some men who are really into that sort of thing but it’s obviously not working in the panda world. I don’t know how many calories are in those little sticks that they eat all day but they should look into alternative low fat versions. A 3 meals a day plan could also work. Since they’re so miserable they just sit around eating all day like they’ve just been dumped. Cutting down to just 4 or 5 sticks per day would mean slimmer, happier pandas.

A final issue that needs to be addressed in the ‘save the pandas’ scheme is their big goth faces. The make-up is all wrong. Most of the Goths I’ve met have been awful bores, and I assume it’s the same for the pandas. Some glitter, a bit of lipstick and some highlights would have a great impact on the animals self-confidence and would make them 10 x more attractive to their friends.

I really hope someone from the WWF sees this and takes these ideas onboard; otherwise I worry that soon it might be too late.

SAVE THE PANDAS.

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Review: Dogs

 I’m trying to branch out with my blog, and trying to include reviews just in case someone wants to give me a job reviewing stuff.

 Here’s my first one. It’s about dogs.

Dogs are a great accessory for girls about town, old people who are lonely and little children who need to learn that one-day everything dies. (Sad.)

They come in a variety of colours so can be matched to suit the carpets in most homes, though sometimes they lose hair which can be messy. Sadly as of yet Dogs do not come in hair-free, but with ever improving techniques and breeding this could be something to look out for. Dogs main rival, Cats have managed to produce a hairless model so there shouldn’t be too much of a wait.

One of the main flaws with Dogs is that they need feeding and walking. They cannot be toilet trained so sadly they have a habit of shitting everywhere. People thinking of investing in a dog should keep this in mind. The constant need for walking may be a good selling point to big fat people who don’t get enough exercise. A daily walk can be a great way to shed a few excess pounds.

A lot of propaganda suggests that Dogs are man’s best friend, but I believe men look for friends who share their interests. Dogs are not especially fond of tits or beer, and they don’t know much about football, but those who enjoy eating off the floor, being really smelly and not washing could find a really great pal in their local pound.

Overall I’d give Dogs a rating of 3.5/5

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