People who know me will know Jonny and I are now cohabiting, but just in case I get visitors (Hello! Welcome!) Jonny loves his bicycle, and I have had plenty of time to get used to it, or so I thought. Turns out actually living with bicycle boy is a bit more tricky.
You’ve got no chance.
I thought I would share some things I have learned to help any others who may find themselves living in a bike infested house, it’s more common that one may think!
Firstly, your house will never really be tidy. Bikes cannot be kept in the shed, they cannot be touched by rain (despite being ridden in rain, snow, on salty roads… the list is endless) so must be kept either in a garage, or since we don’t have one – in the house! The beautiful house, which I have dreamed of for years, has a big hook in the wall, a pile of bricks and a doormat in the kitchen. The bricks are a safety measure to keep wheels off wall, but really I’ve given up. That part of the kitchen is dead to me; scuff the wall for all I care! If you too have a bike in your house just don’t look at it. Pretend it’s not there. And don’t bother scrubbing the floor! Just today I have spent hours working on the grout, for a bike to be wheeled in leaving a track right through the middle, and footprints everywhere! Cleats (bicycle shoes that make a clicking noise like high heels) must also be kept on the table because… I have no idea, but I’m sure he could make up a valid reason if I ever asked or complained. If you want to get even I suggest keeping high heels in the fridge, and proudly displayed on the windowsill.
Next up is coffee. I don’t understand this AT ALL. If anyone knows why bicycle boys love coffee so much I would truly love to know. Espresso, Macchiato, Cappuccino, it doesn’t matter! They can’t get enough. Obviously it is therefore very important to have an expensive coffee machine, you must keep your coffee in the fridge, never EVER run out of milk, and please, I beg you, never try to coffee match him. You will be left wide eyed staring at the ceiling all night, while he is sound asleep, probably twitching because he’s dreaming about falling off his bike.
I must also mention that he will make you feel inadequate. Jonny’s ride to work (about 3 hours per day) then extra long rides on his days off has made me feel so alarmingly unfit. It will happen to you too. It gets us all. You will crack and decide to do something, for me it’s jogging. Slowly. Short distances. I know it’s not enough. I do two miles and he does 52. And even though he hates running as with most bike boys he is painfully fit and could run twice as far in half the time. I suggest trips past fast food restaurants to restore self-esteem.
At times you may look at bike boy and think about getting a bike yourself. I’ve been doing this recently, just something little and cute and possibly pink to ride round to my parents or the shops since it’s a bit of a walk and I hate using the car. Your dreams of a little cutie with a basket will be dashed if you mention it. A basket is extra weight, the bike you like is too heavy, and you will have to have a gazillion pound number with a carbon frame. Best is to keep your hopes to yourself, and keep your bike in the shed, since as I’ve mentioned bike boy will never venture in there.
What I think…
What he thinks.
He will eat loads. A huge amount. I suggest keeping a lot of cereal in, as it is quite cheap and will last for a while. This is a serious point, as otherwise BB will eat you out of house and home. Don’t be offended when you spend hours making a lovely tea and he’s eating again 20 minutes later. It’s not your fault. Or so I tell myself! Also, don’t eat when he eats, because you will pile it on (as I did when we first moved in)!
You will quickly get so used to only seeing men with shaved legs that hairy ones look gross. I don’t see many men’s legs, especially since it’s been so cold but I know at the sight of a wiry leg covered in thick hair I will find it hard not to gasp. I am going to start warming up by googling images of leg hair to prepare myself for the shock.
He will take a long time to get ready. I don’t know why this is, maybe it’s just Jonny, but he doesn’t move anywhere very fast. If I want to get at 10 he will be ready by 12. If he is going out on his bike however he can assemble and outfit in no time. This may sound weird but to be ready for a bike ride takes a surprising number of components, each leg and arm is applied separately, socks must be the right colour (always high and white!) shorts must be black, even if you are world champion (inside joke obvs) and they wear these funny little hats which are sort of like caps, but not. Do not make fun of the tiny cap, and do not try it on. They are precious. There is fashion in cycling, but it does not resemble anything I have ever seen before. Just let him get on with it. Even if he does decide to get black shoes, which make him look like he’s off to school, or in some cases like Michael Jackson on a bike.
The sad truth is BBs increased time on a bike usually makes them considerably more attractive than normal boys. They often have those little action man bits that make smart girls do stupid things. They are like mermaids, only not fictional, and not in the sea, and sailors (girls) follow their siren song and then find themselves in a house with one. It’s like a magic trick. To keep yourself sane does take work, but I do suggest trying to get involved. If you watch enough cycling (around four hours per day for three weeks straight) you will probably just about grasp the basics, and it can be quite enjoyable. You will be able to have a favourite (who will probably be the wrong choice!) and see their weird little antics, such as bum touching and head butting, which will make it all worthwhile. Also a lot of the races are in Europe, so if you’re really desperate tell him you want to go see a race, and then just use it as a holiday!