Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Black Holes

Black holes are these big things that knock about in space and suck everything in (even light) until there’s nothing left and it’s well boring.

No one could really get a camera close enough to take a picture. I reckon this was just done on paint.

I think that black holes are made when matter gets too dense and nothing can escape (like light, aliens, planets, that sort of thing). They can happen anywhere at any time so one day you could be going about your business and then boom. Nothing. It’s totally fucked up.

One thing that I saw on TV once was that at the edge of a black hole is the event horizon. This is sort of like the point of no return, which is where everything stops existing BUT I heard that what might happen is sort of like a hologram. If that’s true then we could be balanced on it now, we’re just in 2D but like those weird moving pictures we don’t know about it. Everything that’s happening already happened and we’re stuck in a fridge magnet type thing. I said it was messed up.

Gravitational time dilation (Technical) means that things closer to black holes move a lot slower. Like, time slows down so if you were being sucked into a black hole it would take an infinite amount of time, so you probably wouldn’t even know about it.

They’re sort of cool really, just like all sorts of space stuff, and I don’t actually know anything about them so this might all be wrong. If we’re already stuck on the edge of one it’s not done us much harm, and if they are hiding near us we won’t know until it’s too late so there’s no point in getting upset.

I think Black Holes are misunderstood. I’ll give them a 2.5/5.


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Review: My Sister

After 15 long years I can reveal that my sister will soon be turning 16. This means that she’s now ready to face the harsh facts and read an honest review of her performance.

She looks just like this.

In the early years my sister, AKA Baby J was resented by many (me) for destroying my only child status. After 5 years as number one I was knocked off the top spot and replaced by a much smaller, cuter version of myself.
Baby J spent around 5 years on the underground scene, doing nothing much at all, waddling around and eating soap powder. It was at 6 she really started to have an impact with classic lines like ‘This doesn’t work’ and ‘Where’s my jeans?’

For the next few years baby J grew into a gobby little lady with a fondness for glittery dresses, horses and being a vet. There were a quiet few years but around the age of 13 she stormed the scene, turning from an awkward little thing into quite a pretty girl with lovely long hair. It was this that really changed my opinion of her.
Whilst I admire her lovely hair she does take an awfully long time to dry it, and needs 3 hours advance warning before being ready to leave the house. I also have to knock points off for being a lot taller than I am. It’s not that it’s a bad thing it’s just that this is my review and I feel jealous.

It must also be noted that her commitment to her studies is somewhat lacking and she seems much happier eating McDonalds and wearing lipstick than doing her very important schoolwork.

Also she pierced her own lip, which totally freaks me out.

Taking all of this into consideration I would like to give my sister a rating of 4.5/5. Hopefully by the time she hits 16 she will have made changes to make me like her more.

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Review: Dogs

 I’m trying to branch out with my blog, and trying to include reviews just in case someone wants to give me a job reviewing stuff.

 Here’s my first one. It’s about dogs.

Dogs are a great accessory for girls about town, old people who are lonely and little children who need to learn that one-day everything dies. (Sad.)

They come in a variety of colours so can be matched to suit the carpets in most homes, though sometimes they lose hair which can be messy. Sadly as of yet Dogs do not come in hair-free, but with ever improving techniques and breeding this could be something to look out for. Dogs main rival, Cats have managed to produce a hairless model so there shouldn’t be too much of a wait.

One of the main flaws with Dogs is that they need feeding and walking. They cannot be toilet trained so sadly they have a habit of shitting everywhere. People thinking of investing in a dog should keep this in mind. The constant need for walking may be a good selling point to big fat people who don’t get enough exercise. A daily walk can be a great way to shed a few excess pounds.

A lot of propaganda suggests that Dogs are man’s best friend, but I believe men look for friends who share their interests. Dogs are not especially fond of tits or beer, and they don’t know much about football, but those who enjoy eating off the floor, being really smelly and not washing could find a really great pal in their local pound.

Overall I’d give Dogs a rating of 3.5/5

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