How to: turn your best friend into your worst enemy

The quickest and easiest way to turn a friend into someone you can’t stand being around is to go on holiday with him or her. It’s especially effective if you go out of the country.

I’ve had many successful trips to places in the UK, which haven’t resulted in me wanting to punch anyone in the head. Adding the simple factor of having to flash your passport at some men in uniform piles on the pressure and suddenly everyday things become a massive drama.

It tends to cost more which also means you need to have a better time, you get lost, you can’t ask for directions, you can’t stomp off home in a mood. You have to stick with them and try be on your best behaviour.

My most recent holiday bust up was over my refusal to eat like a normal person. I never have done! I only really like to eat things that I make for myself, and the only things I ever make are cheese sandwiches. I’ve tried going into restaurants and asking for a cheese and crisp sandwich and they don’t take it that well. What I tend to do is order the least offensive thing on the menu and then pray that someone else will eat it. Failing that I like to leave the table before the meal ends so that they waiters don’t see how ungrateful I am.

I’ve been doing this for the last ten years, with very little attention being paid, but when you’re on holiday, especially with just one person, it’s really hard for them not to notice. And so begin blazing rows about me being a child, ‘you usually eat this’ ‘I never knew you were this awkward’ etc. It’s because there are no distractions. You can’t even listen to other people’s conversations to drown out the sound of their moaning because you can’t understand a word anyone is saying.

TIPS

If you’re going to be eating on holiday, make sure you choose where to go, and have a good look at the menu first.

If you’ve known someone for a reallllllllly long time don’t pretend you’ve not noticed they have the dietary requirements of a toddler.

Oh, also, if you’re on holiday here’s an example of a converstation that will make someone want to throw you under a bus:

“babe, have you got the print out for the hotel?”
“No”
“Oh, well do you know where it is?”
“No”
“Do you have the address?”
“No”
“Oh, well I guess we can ask someone, do you know what it’s called?”
“No, for gods sake, what do you think I am!?”

If you’re going to go away at least write down the name of the place that you’re planning on staying.

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