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The Girls Guide To Living With A Bicycle Boy

People who know me will know Jonny and I are now cohabiting, but just in case I get visitors (Hello! Welcome!) Jonny loves his bicycle, and I have had plenty of time to get used to it, or so I thought. Turns out actually living with bicycle boy is a bit more tricky.


You’ve got no chance.


I thought I would share some things I have learned to help any others who may find themselves living in a bike infested house, it’s more common that one may think!


Firstly, your house will never really be tidy. Bikes cannot be kept in the shed, they cannot be touched by rain (despite being ridden in rain, snow, on salty roads… the list is endless) so must be kept either in a garage, or since we don’t have one – in the house! The beautiful house, which I have dreamed of for years, has a big hook in the wall, a pile of bricks and a doormat in the kitchen. The bricks are a safety measure to keep wheels off wall, but really I’ve given up. That part of the kitchen is dead to me; scuff the wall for all I care! If you too have a bike in your house just don’t look at it. Pretend it’s not there. And don’t bother scrubbing the floor! Just today I have spent hours working on the grout, for a bike to be wheeled in leaving a track right through the middle, and footprints everywhere! Cleats (bicycle shoes that make a clicking noise like high heels) must also be kept on the table because… I have no idea, but I’m sure he could make up a valid reason if I ever asked or complained. If you want to get even I suggest keeping high heels in the fridge, and proudly displayed on the windowsill.


Next up is coffee. I don’t understand this AT ALL. If anyone knows why bicycle boys love coffee so much I would truly love to know. Espresso, Macchiato, Cappuccino, it doesn’t matter! They can’t get enough. Obviously it is therefore very important to have an expensive coffee machine, you must keep your coffee in the fridge, never EVER run out of milk, and please, I beg you, never try to coffee match him. You will be left wide eyed staring at the ceiling all night, while he is sound asleep, probably twitching because he’s dreaming about falling off his bike.


I must also mention that he will make you feel inadequate. Jonny’s ride to work (about 3 hours per day) then extra long rides on his days off has made me feel so alarmingly unfit. It will happen to you too. It gets us all. You will crack and decide to do something, for me it’s jogging. Slowly. Short distances. I know it’s not enough. I do two miles and he does 52. And even though he hates running as with most bike boys he is painfully fit and could run twice as far in half the time. I suggest trips past fast food restaurants to restore self-esteem.


At times you may look at bike boy and think about getting a bike yourself. I’ve been doing this recently, just something little and cute and possibly pink to ride round to my parents or the shops since it’s a bit of a walk and I hate using the car. Your dreams of a little cutie with a basket will be dashed if you mention it. A basket is extra weight, the bike you like is too heavy, and you will have to have a gazillion pound number with a carbon frame. Best is to keep your hopes to yourself, and keep your bike in the shed, since as I’ve mentioned bike boy will never venture in there.


What I think…


What he thinks.


He will eat loads. A huge amount. I suggest keeping a lot of cereal in, as it is quite cheap and will last for a while. This is a serious point, as otherwise BB will eat you out of house and home. Don’t be offended when you spend hours making a lovely tea and he’s eating again 20 minutes later. It’s not your fault. Or so I tell myself! Also, don’t eat when he eats, because you will pile it on (as I did when we first moved in)!


You will quickly get so used to only seeing men with shaved legs that hairy ones look gross. I don’t see many men’s legs, especially since it’s been so cold but I know at the sight of a wiry leg covered in thick hair I will find it hard not to gasp. I am going to start warming up by googling images of leg hair to prepare myself for the shock.


He will take a long time to get ready. I don’t know why this is, maybe it’s just Jonny, but he doesn’t move anywhere very fast. If I want to get at 10 he will be ready by 12. If he is going out on his bike however he can assemble and outfit in no time. This may sound weird but to be ready for a bike ride takes a surprising number of components, each leg and arm is applied separately, socks must be the right colour (always high and white!) shorts must be black, even if you are world champion (inside joke obvs) and they wear these funny little hats which are sort of like caps, but not. Do not make fun of the tiny cap, and do not try it on. They are precious. There is fashion in cycling, but it does not resemble anything I have ever seen before. Just let him get on with it. Even if he does decide to get black shoes, which make him look like he’s off to school, or in some cases like Michael Jackson on a bike.




The sad truth is BBs increased time on a bike usually makes them considerably more attractive than normal boys. They often have those little action man bits that make smart girls do stupid things. They are like mermaids, only not fictional, and not in the sea, and sailors (girls) follow their siren song and then find themselves in a house with one. It’s like a magic trick. To keep yourself sane does take work, but I do suggest trying to get involved. If you watch enough cycling (around four hours per day for three weeks straight) you will probably just about grasp the basics, and it can be quite enjoyable. You will be able to have a favourite (who will probably be the wrong choice!) and see their weird little antics, such as bum touching and head butting, which will make it all worthwhile. Also a lot of the races are in Europe, so if you’re really desperate tell him you want to go see a race, and then just use it as a holiday!


Good luck!





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The Sleepover Dilemma

Staying out throws up a lot of decisions that you have no real time to prepare for. If it’s a last minute thing you might forget your contact lenses or emergency nighttime medicine (??) I don’t know what it is you need, but there’s always something. To prepare a bag before hand can sometimes be presumptuous. What if you’re not invite to stay? Then you’re just a fool with pyjamas in your handbag.


I wanted to put a picture of people in bed here but forgot safe search was off. It was pretty traumatic so instead here's a picture of a killer barbie

Of course, there are times when it’s pretty hard to avoid staying out. If you accidentally find yourself in a relationship one of the conditions tends to be that you will share a bed. My biggest problem with this is not the lovely bed sharers insistence on having the window open or the radio on or wearing a watch that ticks so loudly it makes my brain rattle. It’s that sometimes he wears a t-shirt. Not all of the time, just sometimes. All of the time would be okay. I could get used to it and provide my own sleep time t-shirt. But every now and again it’s there. I don’t know how to deal with it. On days where I am wearing a dress does that mean I should pop it back on so’s not to offend? Is my fluffy jumper welcome in bed? I don’t know! I know it might be cold really; a bit of warning really wouldn’t hurt. Just a little text: ‘Tonight while sleeping I will be wearing a blue t-shirt, please pack accordingly.’


The big staying out drama that makes me probably maddest of all is this: Why at 3am does it feel like a good idea to wake up your boyfriend and demand that he lets you in? I can’t pretend I’ve never done this but in my defence it was the same bus route and 15 minutes closer. Definitely and issue of convenience. What I mean is the ‘yeahhhhh I’m going to go to my boyfriends house and like, totally have sex with him now at 3am’. I’m sure there are some people who like this but I don’t. There’s a problem with being drunk that means you tend to think you look amazing when actually you look like shit. You’ve got sauce all down your dress, you spent an hour crying and a lot of time hanging out in toilets. This is never a good look. Go home and have a wash.  Not even the nicest person wants to be woken up in the middle of the night to let in a makeup stained girl who smells like piss.


Don't be this girl

Then there is the late night wee drama. What is the right thing to do? If you’re unprepared and pyjamaless which I shall assume you are, as I often am do you get dressed back into your clothes, or do you risk it? A quick dash in your pants and hope for the best? ‘Babe, I’m really sorry but I just flashed your dad’ isn’t something anyone should have to say to their friend or boyfriend. The alternative of squeezing back into skinny jeans and a jumper doesn’t seem much better at 3am though. The dad flashing moments seem unavoidable. I think it’s best we all just stay at home from now on.



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How to: make boys like you

In my 21 years I’ve met quite a lot of boys. They, unlike girls are extremely simple creatures, and they’re all pretty much the same.

The first step to take in tricking one of them into liking you is to watch the video ‘How to fool people into thinking you’re really good looking’. Bleaching the shit out of my hair and wearing street walker make up really was the best piece of advice I’ve ever received but in order to really trap someone there are a few more things you must do.

Take make up tips from this pretty lady

DO edit your music collection:
You don’t have to like all of the same stuff but there are some things that are unacceptable. Anything by U2, Girls Aloud or Madonna should be kept for private time. The same goes for any soppy love songs and the Moulin Rouge CD soundtrack. No one will respect you if any of these come on on shuffle, replace them with: The first three Kings Of Leon albums, Up The Bracket by the Libertines and possibly something by Jay-Z. This will make you look a bit edgy but not too intimidating. Most boys like thick girls who will not challenge them. Don’t tell them you think their taste in music is shit; this will make them want to educate you. Which will be really boring.

DO NOT show any emotion. Ever:
Girls should not cry, this is seen as emotional blackmail, which will make boys feel uncomfortable. If you’re sad turn it inwards, and then buy a new lipstick. It will make you feel better.

DO NOT spend more than 15 minutes getting ready:
If you’re alone you can spend three days preparing to see your boy of choice but if it’s first thing in the morning, or if he is waiting for you any longer than 15 minutes is too long. Practice this at home. If you cannot manage this get up early before he is awake and do your face. Orange foundation hands are not sexy and will destroy the illusion of perfect skin. You could also save time by getting your eyeliner tattooed on.

DO drop the names of other boys into conversation:
Not too often of course but you need to remind him that you are a hot piece of ass, that you have male friends and that you could run off with them at any second. It’s also good to mention your ex a few times, just to keep new boy on his toes.

DO take a lot of pictures every time you go out:
This is really good if you tend to dress like a slut. Make sure to upload them on Facebook. This will make New Boy want to spend more time with you. He may also buy you new clothes (YAY!)

The less clothes you wear the more he will care.

DO NOT eat anything:
Obviously you can stuff your face when you’re alone but eating can lead to food on the face, which is really embarrassing. If you never eat anything it also creates the illusion that you’re a lot thinner than you really are. COOL.

DO NOT open a WKD with your teeth and down it in 3 seconds:
Whilst this is an impressive skill that your friends will really appreciate, boys do not enjoy it as much as you may think. After proudly displaying my skills two weeks ago I was disappointed to be told ‘I have never been less attracted to you as I am right now’. Save it for the girls.

DO bring him cake:
If you can bake, do that. I prefer to buy banana loaf and take it over as an offering of my love and devotion. There are very few boys who do not like cake, if you find one that doesn’t he’s probably not worth it anyway.

Good luck!

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