In my 21 years I’ve met quite a lot of boys. They, unlike girls are extremely simple creatures, and they’re all pretty much the same.
The first step to take in tricking one of them into liking you is to watch the video ‘How to fool people into thinking you’re really good looking’. Bleaching the shit out of my hair and wearing street walker make up really was the best piece of advice I’ve ever received but in order to really trap someone there are a few more things you must do.
DO edit your music collection:
You don’t have to like all of the same stuff but there are some things that are unacceptable. Anything by U2, Girls Aloud or Madonna should be kept for private time. The same goes for any soppy love songs and the Moulin Rouge CD soundtrack. No one will respect you if any of these come on on shuffle, replace them with: The first three Kings Of Leon albums, Up The Bracket by the Libertines and possibly something by Jay-Z. This will make you look a bit edgy but not too intimidating. Most boys like thick girls who will not challenge them. Don’t tell them you think their taste in music is shit; this will make them want to educate you. Which will be really boring.
DO NOT show any emotion. Ever:
Girls should not cry, this is seen as emotional blackmail, which will make boys feel uncomfortable. If you’re sad turn it inwards, and then buy a new lipstick. It will make you feel better.
DO NOT spend more than 15 minutes getting ready:
If you’re alone you can spend three days preparing to see your boy of choice but if it’s first thing in the morning, or if he is waiting for you any longer than 15 minutes is too long. Practice this at home. If you cannot manage this get up early before he is awake and do your face. Orange foundation hands are not sexy and will destroy the illusion of perfect skin. You could also save time by getting your eyeliner tattooed on.
DO drop the names of other boys into conversation:
Not too often of course but you need to remind him that you are a hot piece of ass, that you have male friends and that you could run off with them at any second. It’s also good to mention your ex a few times, just to keep new boy on his toes.
DO take a lot of pictures every time you go out:
This is really good if you tend to dress like a slut. Make sure to upload them on Facebook. This will make New Boy want to spend more time with you. He may also buy you new clothes (YAY!)
DO NOT eat anything:
Obviously you can stuff your face when you’re alone but eating can lead to food on the face, which is really embarrassing. If you never eat anything it also creates the illusion that you’re a lot thinner than you really are. COOL.
DO NOT open a WKD with your teeth and down it in 3 seconds:
Whilst this is an impressive skill that your friends will really appreciate, boys do not enjoy it as much as you may think. After proudly displaying my skills two weeks ago I was disappointed to be told ‘I have never been less attracted to you as I am right now’. Save it for the girls.
DO bring him cake:
If you can bake, do that. I prefer to buy banana loaf and take it over as an offering of my love and devotion. There are very few boys who do not like cake, if you find one that doesn’t he’s probably not worth it anyway.