You don’t love him, he’s not even real

SO I’ve been watching Campus over and over again because I think I’ve fallen in love with this guy:

If you didn’t watch it he’s really pretty, a bit stupid and likes running around a lot. I love him mainly because he likes climbing on stuff like chairs and trips over stuff. It’s just adorable.

Trouble is HE IS NOT REAL. I do this all of the time, fall in heartbreaking depressing love with fictional characters. As a kind of therapy for myself and anyone else going through similar pain I’ve decided to accept the hard facts. It just wouldn’t work out between us. I’ll start with Flatpack.

Why it wouldn’t work:

He’s a bit stupid; I’m not that bright. We would never win on The Million Pound Drop and we couldn’t have nights in watching University Challenge. I don’t think I’d like to do either of those things but it’s nice to have the option.

He is too pretty. I bet he takes ages to get ready and I like to be out in 5 minutes. It’d lead to rows, I’d hide his products, he’d get angry and leave me for someone who spends all of their time grooming sitting in front of a mirror and worrying about their hair.

He likes to exercise too much. I don’t mind a bit of exercise, (light, preferably while watching TV) but he goes a bit too far with it all. I bet we’d have to eat vegetables all of the time. He’d make me feel insecure about my weight, I’d worry he was going to leave me for someone in the Olympics, I’d accuse him, he’d deny it but I’d drive him to it. It’d be sad but we’d move on but our relationship would never recover.

Tyler Durden

He’s just so beautiful. Look at him, he’s so tough. Heyyyy let’s have a fight, let’s drink beer and hit golf balls at cars. It would be a dream come true. He’s just so fun!

Why it wouldn’t work:

He really isn’t real. Not even just fictional but he’s a cool guy dreamed up by some loser.
He’d probably try burning me with acid and having a fight with me. I don’t think that’s acceptable in any relationship, no matter how beautiful the burner may be. There’s also all the fighting. It’d ruin his face. I’d say “Oh babe, I wish you’d be a bit more careful, you’re too pretty to take punches to the face”. He’d be annoyed and say I was trying to ruin his fun, and that I just don’t understand him, then he’d say I was boring and sleep with some bitch named Marla. It’d end badly and he’d try blow up my house.

Jack Sparrow

Hot. Just oh so incredibly beautiful. Look at his lovely clothes and his hair and his lovely make up and beautiful tanned skin from all of those days at sea.

Why it wouldn’t work:

I’d want him to spend more time at home; he’d want to be off at sea. His natural tan would look great, he’d tease me for my patchy fake bake. I couldn’t trust him not to have an affair with a wench with heaving breasts that he meets in a bar in the Caribbean (he has a history). He’d say I was interfering with his work and that the life of a pirate means he can’t stay at home with Jack Junior and me. One day all of the treasure will be gone and he won’t be able to send any money home. I’ll run away with a man who’s reliable but boring who can afford good schools and we’ll go our separate ways, always dreaming of what we once had.

The Doctor

He can travel in time AND space. We could go on the best dates! Anywhere I wanted to go. It’d be brilliant. Plus he’s quite hot and has nice clothes.

Why it wouldn’t work:

He always looks different, he can’t die and he won’t get old. But I will. From what I’ve seen he always ditches them for a younger model and takes off on new adventures. I wouldn’t be able to cope. I’d always be waiting for the day he decides to get rid of me. Plus I think he has a wife, who has a habit of turning up at the most inconvenient times. The rows would be terrible, we’d be living at opposite sides of the tardis in no time and all of the things I once found cute (talking to a space ship, making me run everywhere and trying to save people) would just become annoying and lead to many blazing rows. I’d tell him to drop me of on a spaceship and go on to live a happy life with a two headed alien.


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