How to really survive a festival: Part 1 (The basics)

Because it’s nearly here and because there are some really awful things out there I thought I’d do my own version of a festival survival guide.

Wellys are good, if it gets too hot just take them off. I've tried rotating this a million times, it's not working.

I’ll start with the real big terrifying issue: Toilets. Right, I don’t like public toilets, no one does. No one wants to be in a little box full of other peoples gross business BUT there’s nothing you can do. I’ve seen people with bleach and little facemasks and all sorts, it’s just a waste of time taking stuff like that. All you need is loo roll (seriously, take some) and a friend willing to hold their coat around you while you pee up a tree. This is serious stuff. You may think you’re not the type of person who wees in public but you’re wrong. 5 paper cups of cider and a massive queue will change your mind.

Do NOT buy drugs at festivals. I know no one will listen to that, and that it’s all very exciting once you’re tangled up in the moment. “OH MY GOSH LET’S GET SOME DRUGS”. What a waste of time. If you really want drugs you’re going to have to sneak them in up your arse. See, people at festivals are easy targets. Over excited drunk people, usually 18 years olds who’ve just finished their A Levels and want to get ‘fucked up yah’. Yah, that’ll be £40 for the crushed up aspirin, don’t look for me, you’ll never see me again.

Take food*. Honestly, find a friend who knows how to cook, someone with one of those little stove things. You will love that person; they will be your best mate. Festival food is expensive and a bit shit, not all of it but it takes a lot of effort to figure out what’s good and what’s bad. It’s much easier to know that at least you can have something cooked at the tent. Take apples because they don’t squash easy and will make you feel a bit healthy. I also recommend Ribena, which has magic powers when it comes to hangovers. Take a bottle of water and fill it up at the little taps, otherwise it’s like £2 a go.

*Don’t take food to Reading. Put up your tent, and get everything sorted then walk into town and go to Tesco. It’s like 5 minutes away and will save a lot of carrying and moaning.

Don’t over pack. Honestly, the sad truth is no one cares how hot you are at a festival. There are a million girls in tiny shorts with lovely suntans. If you pack your shorts you’ll be living in them. Save space for booze and emergency flapjack. You should make a bit of effort though, because there are probably going to be a lot of pictures taken. What I suggest is glitter, face paint and nice things to put in your hair. Face paint sounds stupid but it really is good fun, and can be used to write rude words on your friend’s arms. Don’t take a big stupid hat. You’ll look like a tool. Waterproofs will also make you look like a bit of a tool but they’re actually useful. No one wants to be stuck in wet clothes all day.

The many uses of face paint.

You’re not going to get lost forever so don’t get stressed out. Missing people tend to turn up asleep in a tent (not always their own). Take one of those little cheap phones with batteries that last for two weeks if you’re really worried but there aren’t many people you’re going to want to call once you’re pissed up in a field, and they won’t be able to hear you anyway. Just stick together, it’s more fun like that anyway.

This is a big secret, but if you do want to buy something look for the tired drunk people working on the stalls. Because eventually they get very tired, very drunk and want to stop working and start having fun of their own. Don’t take the piss but there are a few times that if you’re really nice and friendly you might get a sneaky discount. If you’re working then make friends with the people on the bar. They can’t give you anything for free or anything because that’s soooooo against the rules but have a chat with them, they’re really nice.

Tired, drunk, not my hat, yet more face paint.

I’m bored of this now, I’m mainly doing these for my sisters benefit I think. She’s going to V for the first time (don’t judge, it’s really close to home so everyone goes) and I worry about her terribly. Next will be the complete list of things you shouldn’t go without. I’m also going to try talk her into getting a backpack and not washing her hair.



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4 responses to “How to really survive a festival: Part 1 (The basics)

  1. Jade

    oh saund, you can take a backpack, I probably will to! no convincing, erm,yeah.I think that’s all, basically letting you know I just sat and read the whole thing:’) xx

    • Wow thanks baby, I feel so proud! I love backpacks they’re so efficient! Oh you’ll be the most prepared festival goer of all time ever! x

  2. meg

    yes! i agree with the buying stuff for people on stalls/the bar!
    are you going glastonbury Emlar? x

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