How to: Save the pandas

Fat panda stuffing its face

Pandas are nature’s version of little fat Goths. They are short, round and wear too much make up. They’re sort of cute but no one really wants to make babies with someone who is just cute.

I’ve looked at the ways they’ve been trying to trick pandas into getting it on (panda porn, Viagra, crotchless pants) and I think I can see where they’re going wrong.

It might be a good idea to start keeping pandas in dark rooms, or at least dim the lights. It creates a better mood, plus there’s the added bonus of making it harder for them to see each other.

The question has always been are they fat because they’re depressed or depressed because they are fat? I’ve seen some massive ladies on Jeremy Kyle who go up there ‘I’m so fat it’s so sexy I’m going to take my pants off’ and there are some men who are really into that sort of thing but it’s obviously not working in the panda world. I don’t know how many calories are in those little sticks that they eat all day but they should look into alternative low fat versions. A 3 meals a day plan could also work. Since they’re so miserable they just sit around eating all day like they’ve just been dumped. Cutting down to just 4 or 5 sticks per day would mean slimmer, happier pandas.

A final issue that needs to be addressed in the ‘save the pandas’ scheme is their big goth faces. The make-up is all wrong. Most of the Goths I’ve met have been awful bores, and I assume it’s the same for the pandas. Some glitter, a bit of lipstick and some highlights would have a great impact on the animals self-confidence and would make them 10 x more attractive to their friends.

I really hope someone from the WWF sees this and takes these ideas onboard; otherwise I worry that soon it might be too late.



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